Now I'm Getting Calls From McCain

I had not spoken to Senator McCain since our last discussion, in which he failed to received my endorsement, despite a certain mutual respect. So I was quite surprised to get a call from him yesterday, and even more surprised by the reason for the call.

"Genghis, help me out here. I'm doing everything I can to throw it to the kid, and nothing works. It's out of my control."

"The kid?"

"Huckabee. I saw that you endorsed him. Fair enough. It even got me thinking. Look, I had something to prove, it's true. After George W. Vader beat me in 2k, I really wanted to win. But now there's nothing left to prove. I can win this thing easily. So that's done.

"It's when I started thinking about putting the cabinet together, the first 100 days, all that. Honestly, it's exhausting. Hey, I'm up to it. I feel like I'm 68 again. But then I got to thinking about how I'll be remembered. About the funeral, you know. I mean, you've seen that handsome mug of me shaking Nixon's hand, right?

I assume he means this one:

"That's the picture I want on my casket. But if I win the presidency, I don't get that. I'll get a picture of me in office. Just look at those jowls. I look like I've been sucking face with a leaf blower."

"You'd give up the presidency because of a picture?"

"OK, you got me... it's really that I've got a lot of scores to settle in the Pentagon, and that's hard to do when you're the President. That's where the kid comes in. He's putty in my hands -- he'll make me SECDEF, no question about it. And that's the place to settle those scores -- Rummies old job, eh?"

To the best of my knowledge, Senator McCain had no way to know about my previous discussions with Governor Huckabee here and then here. So I wasn't particularly comfortable getting involved directly. As he pointed out to me, the Senator has already tried the basics: calling interviewers "jerks," telling a 13-year-old kid to shut up and sit down, talking about his age, telling people they can't get their jobs back, so forth. The problem is, as he puts it, "The more I do this stuff, the more they love me. It's a freight train, and I can't stop it."

I can't raze any districts in Michigan. I got away with it in Wyoming, but that's because nobody was paying attention. Assashoryu has already headed back to Mongolia, and Jimmy isn't a lot of help for this kind of thing.

Honestly, you people need to get you election mess straightened out. It's irrational. From here on I'm staying out of it. If you want to conquer Canada, let me know, but this whole election process rots.

UPDATE: McCain thought of a new one: touring a funeral parlor on primary day. Why didn't I think of that? Absolutely brilliant. I think I'll vote for him.

Just Between You And Me

Many of you have sent me notice that some person named Rush has been reading my blog and pretending like it's his work. Well, you'll keep getting the real scoop here, and getting it first. As for Huckabee's earlier panic, the Wyoming primary calmed him down quite a bit. I was able to launch campaigns (of my own kind) in several key districts, razing voting locations, sequestering church-goers, and generally intimidating family-types that would be likely to vote Huckabee. All quite successful.

I talked to him again this morning. Feeling much more confident that things were under his control, he is actually considering, "just going ahead and winning this thing." The downside, as I think I mentioned in the earlier post, is that in 9 years his professional life will be essentially over, and he's much too young for that. But, as I assured him, there's much more to life than one's profession. It can actually be quite nice to just disappear from the scene for a long time.

What really got him thinking, though, was McCain's victory speech. He read it from his written notes. There are very few people that can pull that off and still be interesting, let alone inspiring. McCain isn't one of them. So Mike's thinking maybe he'll just spare himself and the country from having to go through that. No promises, though. As of this morning he's still undecided.

May Your Aim Be True

In the last 36 hours, we've been flooded by readers in Iraq. Yes, I love you too. Yes, I understand. Be true to your CO, but always remember, in spirit I am your Khan, I am your Khagan.

One recent suggestion was quite intriguing. I have been besought to hold a poetry contest on the topic of Candidate Ron Paul, who at this writing has not yet quit. It appears that many were inspired by this poem (written by the candidate himself, though he may not remember):

There once was a man from Green Tree,
Who strove to defend liberty,
Now they call him a joke,
While he pulls on a toke,
But that's just between you and me.

If you feel that writing (or reading) poetry aggravates your fibromyalgia (or any of over 250 other conditions) then perhaps you should consider having that treated, so that your compositions, or enjoyment of said compositions, might continue with aggravations abated. I would not recommend anything untoward, but I'm just you Khan, your Khagan, and you have your God-given conscience to consult.

Entries will be judged solely on merit, and not at all on whether you support or reject Dr. Paul as candidate for President.

Again, to the many new readers in Iraq, you are by sons in spirit, may your aim be true and your armor hold. Fight with the full fury of your calling. I am your Khan. I am your Khagan.

UPDATES: Use "Ask me a question" link to the right to submit -- NOT the comments section; comments are generally tossed. Contest will go until I decide to stop it. Yes, a Mongolian warlord is absolutely qualified to judge a poetry contest, despite my earlier demonstration.

Caucus fallout: Huckabee calls me

First of all, I want to point out that I have now heard two news show hosts use the term "Compassionate Machiavellianism," a term that I coined here. You can easily verify on Google that I invented the term -- I mention that only as a response to the great number of comments I have received concerning the merit of this blog.

But on to the important matters. Governor Huckabee, whom I endorsed several days ago, called today in something close to a panic. I'll relay as accurately as I can what he said. As I've told him, anything he says to me is fair game for my readers. So this is (roughly) what he said:

"I need help on this and there aren't many places I can turn. This has gotten way out of hand. I've been running for VP from the start, doesn't anybody get that anymore? If these other guys had the slightest political sense, I'd have never been up 20 points in Iowa. I mean, I did everything I could to blow it, but it's hard giving up 20 points. I sent Drudge that family photo -- what did that lose me? 2 points? I tried Pakistan, I waffled on my own ads, I hired Rollins -- there's a guy that hasn't won in 23 years, but even he couldn't lose me more than a point or so.

"A win in Iowa I could handle, but come on -- 9 points! And to Mitt who, I'm sorry, the guy tries to solve his "genuineness" problem wearing plaid -- this guy does not belong in the big leagues!

"The numbers are not looking good. McCain is supposed to win this thing for me, but how much help do I need to give him? And John, please, stop telling people you might be too old for a second term -- get on camera drinking a Coke or something, that's all you need to do to win this thing -- it's a WEAK FIELD!

"I may have to turn to Ron Paul for help -- somebody is going to have to scare my voters, but they've got to understand them first. And they can't. These are the same kind of people who try to understand statistics and come up with phrases like, 'statistical tie' -- it just isn't happening."

I calmed him down. This whole VP strategy was news to me, so I got him to explain it. It's really two things -- first, becoming President now means his life is pretty much over in 8 years, and I have to agree, he's far too young for that. Second, he'd like to repeat a trick he pulled off in Arkansas, you can get 2 1/2 terms by inheriting the office before your first election win. I asked him if he can count on that with McCain, and he assured me it was no problem.

OK, so he's calm now. There's still plenty of time to lose this thing, and we might even be able to help McCain with his weaknesses. For my part, I'll be heading over to the Wyoming primaries tomorrow. We've identified some key districts we can raze to suppress the vote. The governor assures me that pretty much anything could happen in Wyoming and the press won't cover it -- so Huckabee fans in Wyoming, stay home tomorrow or you'll meet my hordes.

Endorsement Fallout -- Romney Sends Warning

I got a call from Mitt Romney this morning asking me to reconsider my endorsement of Huckabee. He sent me a 30-sec commercial pointing out that while both he and Huckabee are nice guys, Huckabee supports reparations for those overcome by the Mongolian Empire, and "in general has it out for Mongolia." The commercial is obviously professionally produced, but Romney said it isn't likely to get much air time in New Hampshire. Maybe I can get it posted on YouTube.

I'm not buying it. My endorsement for Huckabee stands.

Huckabeliever

We concluded our interviews with the U.S. Presidential candidates today, having lunch with former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. I was singularly impressed with the man, both as a person, and as a candidate. To begin with, he is able to converse in a way that conveys an interest beyond his own daily ambitions. I have found that to be quite rare, though not entirely unheard of in today's politics. Further, you quickly learn in speaking with Huckabee that he holds views beyond the thin mantras of the consultants and strategists. Again rare. But unlike any other candidate, I found in him a depth and persuasiveness that cultivates trust. It is a quality of leadership that cannot be discovered in polls or purchased from political groomsmen. It is a quality which every people thirsts for, one that can make a nation great.

As Governor Huckabee said to me, "I'm a So-con, but I'm more than that. I'm a Fi-con, but I'm more than a Fi-con. I'm a Neo-con, but I'm not just a So-con, Fi-con, and Neo-con -- I'm what I like to call a Genghis-con, a leader, a man who unites a people and raises them up to greatness.

We talked for hours -- we even prayed together. Then, as I thought we were near to finishing the conversation, I said, not intending much by it, "If I can help you in any way, please let me know."

Much to my surprise, he asked me to join his campaign in an official role. "Look, I've got Chuck Norris, and he's done wonders for my national security chops, if you'll pardon the expression. But I'm still vulnerable on foreign policy, and let's face it, in Chuck's work he's usually defending against an aggressor. I could really use you to give me a little arrogant bunker mentality of my own. I mean, you wiped out nation after nation with no cause for provocation, and that could really balance out the whole "preacher" thing. So what do you say?"

I politely informed the Governor that while the idea was quite intriguing, my visa into the U.S. did not allow me to officially work for any candidate.

At this, Huckabee stood up, walked to the door, shut it, and returned to his chair. "It's O.K., Genghis, I'm your pastor now. I can't be forced to testify against you."

And there you have it. I not only endorse, but am now working for, Governor Mike Huckabee.

(See other candidate interviews: Edwards, Thompson, Clinton, Giuliani, Biden, Paul, Romney, Kucinich, McCain, and Obama.)

Barak Obama Has A Large Smile And A Big Friend

We sat down for an interview with Senator Barak Obama, candidate for the U.S. President Democrat nomination. He had a big smile for us.


After an otherwise uneventful meeting, we were ushered to the door by this man, who spoke to us in flawless Mandarin, saying only, "I know where the bodies are hidden." Odd.