Now I'm Getting Calls From McCain

I had not spoken to Senator McCain since our last discussion, in which he failed to received my endorsement, despite a certain mutual respect. So I was quite surprised to get a call from him yesterday, and even more surprised by the reason for the call.

"Genghis, help me out here. I'm doing everything I can to throw it to the kid, and nothing works. It's out of my control."

"The kid?"

"Huckabee. I saw that you endorsed him. Fair enough. It even got me thinking. Look, I had something to prove, it's true. After George W. Vader beat me in 2k, I really wanted to win. But now there's nothing left to prove. I can win this thing easily. So that's done.

"It's when I started thinking about putting the cabinet together, the first 100 days, all that. Honestly, it's exhausting. Hey, I'm up to it. I feel like I'm 68 again. But then I got to thinking about how I'll be remembered. About the funeral, you know. I mean, you've seen that handsome mug of me shaking Nixon's hand, right?

I assume he means this one:

"That's the picture I want on my casket. But if I win the presidency, I don't get that. I'll get a picture of me in office. Just look at those jowls. I look like I've been sucking face with a leaf blower."

"You'd give up the presidency because of a picture?"

"OK, you got me... it's really that I've got a lot of scores to settle in the Pentagon, and that's hard to do when you're the President. That's where the kid comes in. He's putty in my hands -- he'll make me SECDEF, no question about it. And that's the place to settle those scores -- Rummies old job, eh?"

To the best of my knowledge, Senator McCain had no way to know about my previous discussions with Governor Huckabee here and then here. So I wasn't particularly comfortable getting involved directly. As he pointed out to me, the Senator has already tried the basics: calling interviewers "jerks," telling a 13-year-old kid to shut up and sit down, talking about his age, telling people they can't get their jobs back, so forth. The problem is, as he puts it, "The more I do this stuff, the more they love me. It's a freight train, and I can't stop it."

I can't raze any districts in Michigan. I got away with it in Wyoming, but that's because nobody was paying attention. Assashoryu has already headed back to Mongolia, and Jimmy isn't a lot of help for this kind of thing.

Honestly, you people need to get you election mess straightened out. It's irrational. From here on I'm staying out of it. If you want to conquer Canada, let me know, but this whole election process rots.

UPDATE: McCain thought of a new one: touring a funeral parlor on primary day. Why didn't I think of that? Absolutely brilliant. I think I'll vote for him.