No Dirt On Mitt Romney

In the US, you can put your telephone number on a "Do Not Call List" so that businesses cannot solicit you, because your right to a quiet evening is more important than their desire to do business with you. You cannot, however, be removed from the lists of political pollsters, because your right to a quiet evening is not as important as a politician's right to pander to you.

Similarly, if you wish to offer an opinion on the business prospects of Exxon, you must note whether the company that pays you to have an opinion, or any company broadcasting your opinion, has any ownership in Exxon, because that relationship might influence the opinion. However if you are a major radio personality offering opinions on political candidates, and are either networked on Premiere Radio Networks (wholly owned subsidiary of Clear Channel Communications) or are broadcast on some set of Clear Channel's 1200 radio stations (i.e., if you are any radio host anyone has heard of), you do not need to disclose whether one of said candidates is co-founder (retired, still profit-sharing) of Bain Capital, which, along with one other major player, recently purchased Clear Channel Communications. You would not need to disclose this because, well, hmmm.

And that brings us to Mitt Romney, the wealthiest of the candidates, and the man with whom I was able, along with Mongolian-born Sumo-wrestling champion Asashoryu, and my nephew Jimmy, to breakfast this morning. (Asashoryu insists that it is OK to use 'breakfast' as a verb since it cost $300 per plate.)

Candidate Romney was refreshingly direct in seeking an endorsement: "I'm pro-life, pro-gun, anti-gay marriage, pro-contructionist judges, and pro-Sumo. I can be pro-pillaging, but only through the primaries, then I've got to go anti-pillaging for the general. But if you can deliver New Jersey for me, I can go pro-pillaging in my third year. Now, can we do business?"

Of course I assured Mr. Romney that I had myself given up pillaging long ago, do not approve of it, and had no intention of going back to it.

"Well good, that certainly simplifies things. This may be easier than I thought." And he stood up, walked over to a gaggle of advisers some fifty feet away, chatted briefly, and returned. "O.K., I'm anti-pillaging. Listen, I know you'll be giving an endorsement soon. You'll want to think it over for awhile in privacy, and I'd like to provide a place where you can do that. How about a 6,000 square foot luxury residence beach-side in Miami? Would that be a good place for you to write a Romney endorsement?"

Jimmy joined in, "My uncle does his best thinking in a mud hut in the Khangai Mountains."

Romney stared at us blankly, "What's mud?"

Then, after about ten minutes of trying to relate to him the essence of mud, and its usefulness in such things as construction, he headed back over to his advisers. They discussed somewhat intensely for a good 20 minutes, and he returned.

"I'm pro-mud, but don't quote me on that yet."