Joe Biden Sniffs Us Out

It was said of my conquering hordes, that those we attacked first became aware of our coming, not by the sound of the galloping battle horses, but by the stench of the warriors who rode upon them. Ahhhh, for the days.

So perhaps Senator Biden can be forgiven for his first comments upon greeting our delegation.

"Wow, you're clean! I mean, I just didn't expect -- hey everyone, look, they've had a bath and everything!" Then he gets right up to Asashoryu, toe-to-toe, nose-to-navel, takes a big whiff, and says, "Petunias -- look at that." Creepy, yes, but Asashoryu took it well, and in fact it's true -- Sumo wrestlers have the highest hygienic standards in the world -- more on that another day -- and the man smells like flowers -- I don't know if it's the bath salts or what, they've just never been my thing, but I respect him. He is Sumo. He is yokozuna.

We said nothing for the first 30 minutes or so. Not a word. Never had a chance. Not even when he asked a question. The conversation went something like this:

"You know, I know more about Mongolia than any of the other candidates. More than all of them put together. I know it's gross national product. I know it's per capita income and the composition of it's armed forces. I know that Mongolia is the world's seventh largest producer of molybdenum I bet you didn't even know that, and they've got you on their currency. They ought to have me on the currency. I know you've got 15% of the world's deposits of fluorspar, and I know your Prime Minister, Sanjaagiin, has a little psoriasis problem that he doesn't like to talk about. He didn't tell you about that, did he? You see what I'm getting at? You see what I'm getting at here? I'm the only candidate qualified to take this job."

And on it went.

Eventually I was able to speak, and asked him about the situation in Iraq, which I have discussed with each of the candidates. So that sets him talking for another 30 minutes. He's saying again and again that there needs to be a political solution, that the solution is always in the end, political, that there has never been a military solution to anything. And I can't believe it, because he's looking right at me the whole time he's saying this, as though he expects I'll just come to the realization that it was the politicians, and not the generals, who established my Great Empire.

All this talking apparently made him hungry, because he asked Asashoryu to go get us all some donuts down the street. If you don't know about the Sumo dietary regimens, you have no idea how offensive this is, but Asashoryu is a gentle spirit. My nephew Jimmy and I immediately expressed great interest in seeing a real live donut shop, and insisted that we accompany Asashoryu.

I don't know whether the donut shop was any good -- we just took our chance to leave, and never came back.